This 40 min video was totally horrifying. What a scary sport. Why do all these rich white people play at this? I mean really, there’s the real possibility of being crushed by a large car ferry, you can suffer hyperthermia within a few minutes in the water, and you can be hurled off the boat in something called a “crab ejection”.  A crab ejection does not look fun.  I think this is some weird sadistic way that affluent people test their own limits. I do. And no talking? Well, you can imagine how I feel about that. Total shit, I say.

 I’m terrified.

 Having been convinced by my new neighbor that Crew is the sport for those of us with knee issues (and having recently acquired a knee issue), my ever-fattening ass felt compelled to sign up last minute for a three day intensive in a sport that seems contradictory to my socialist beliefs. Actually, to be fair, I thought it was a two-day intensive and probably would have thrown up the “hell-no” to three days. Oh well, I dropped $150 bones and was now committed (read terrified), to the cause.

 We’ve all seen them, the rowers, gliding effortlessly across river and lake, arms rippling with muscles and bodies lunging forward and backward in unison.  It’s beautiful to witness.  How I have longed to try this, to be one of those bodies floating effortlessly across the water, but let’s be real, two things have gotten in the way of that: 1. I did not attend an Ivy League college, and 2. I am not effortless. I am not graceful, and this warning video detailing all the ways you can die by rowing has confirmed that giraffes like me should probably stick to romping in open fields rather than delicately dodging ships on the open sea.

Never mind. It’s done and tomorrow I head out to the weekend introduction. May I live to see Monday?