I like being invited to dinner.

I think we all like it, right? Well I hope that for humanity’s sake we all like it because I have a habit of hurling invitations left and right.  In any case, I like when the offer of a dinner is bestowed upon me and mine, and it’s been long overdue here.

We are new animals on this strange planet called the “Greater Seattle Area.” Immigrants once again wandering the streets and forest paths (and school systems) of a strange land, looking for our place and our tribe.  It’s always a series of trial and error when first searching out your people. There are instant hits of awesome that happen only rarely, but more often than not there are those we try on for size.  I have tried on a lot of new friendships in my life.

Sometimes, though it’s not favorable, we meet people who seem like they could be our tribe, or we even lust after those we think we want to belong with, only to find that being their friend is either exhausting, or boring, constricting or just plain against our own personal ethics (insert conservative tea partiers here).  It’s a bummer. It’s like you fill yourself up just a bit with the joy of companionship and then either have that ripped from you, or have to painfully push that spot free again – you can’t take in all the crazy and there is a lot of crazy out there.

Add to all this, the lovely little social habit of some communities who put their pitchforks and axes up when “newbies” arrive.  It happens everywhere – I promise (except in the midwest, because they have class).  In Seattle there is a term called the “Seattle Freeze.” As much as I’d like to attribute this to the temperature of late (brrr….says the wahine), it’s actually a cultural phenomenon and it stings like a frosty front porch on your bare feet. Here, people are known to be kind at first meeting and then run home, shut the curtains and pretend they don’t know you.  It’s a really complicated version of fake.  Of course Seattle is not fake, it’s amazing, but in order to breach the inner circle you have to know people who know people and as a newbie you will most likely…not.

Proof: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Freeze

Alright, bear with me.  I have heard about this freeze but hadn’t really ingested it. I mean seriously, most people seem really friendly here at first meeting, but then that’s it! I’m moving from a place whose  cultural take on new people is exactly the opposite.  In Hawaii if you are new, you are annoying.  In truth, you really are – annoying – but people have labeled you that before you even open your mouth. Can you blame them? Thousands of people come and go from the islands every day and if you grow up on a place full of immigration you kind of learn to build walls, to protect yourself emotionally from having to say goodbye. In addition, there is a fair amount of culture shock going on for the whities who arrive sun glasses in hand, and this leaves many of them in a state of rather rude shock.  Hawaiians (cultural Hawaiians, not ethnic Hawaiians), don’t just open their doors to everyone right away. You may sit in a local restaurant and wait for several others to be served before you’re even acknowledged. BUT, and this is a very big but, once you’re in – you’re in. If you know Uncle Bruddah, then you know everyone. A family network emerges and if you are trusted enough to support rather than degrade the lifestyle of the islands, then you are part of that network – skin color irrelevant. Sure, there are outliers, those who make a bad name for everyone, but overall there is a lot of love to be given in Hawaii and a great sense of community.

Here, people are pretty polite at first meeting. Friendly even, but it’s a mask.  If you are obviously not part of a certain click, then you can count yourself alone. FOR LIFE!  Just kidding.  Sort of? Try being new.

I didn’t notice the freeze at first because of all the politeness.  It was distracting. But as the reality sunk in that we had in fact not had anyone over to our house yet (ok, we have some old friends who hail from the midwest and now live in Seattle who have come over), and that we had not been invited anywhere, I have taken note that I don’t belong to a click. I am not safe territory and the world at large sees that.  Whoa! My head is a trippy place to live.

So this brings us to last night at gymnastics class for the youngest.  A mom, also a transplant but from Western Washington, had chatted me up last week. This week she came notepad in hand to collect my contact information, “We want to have you guys over for dinner – how’s Friday?”

Mind blown.

That is such a simple offer, isn’t it? For her, no longer a newcomer, it was probably effortless and yet she had the ability to make an enormous impact on my day.  Whether this new friend will stick or not is yet to be determined, but it’s promising and if for no other reason than she has got a little bit of heart and isn’t afraid to show it.

I think I can learn from this.

I may have a little bit of her hiding inside me, or at least I hope I do.  Maybe this is an important social skill – a challenge for us all. I think each of us – no matter how long we have lived somewhere – should invite someone new to dinner.

Let’s put it on the list!