When we got married we were so young.  My husband and I were doe-eyed 23 year olds with a whole lot of hope and a bun in the oven.  We were madly in love, we still are, so despite the total upheaval of our lives in a few short months, in the end our fates were sealed and this was just a quickening of the inevitable. I know this even 14 years later. We were fated.

Despite our intense love, planning a wedding was one of the more stressful events in our life.  Parents to please, small budgets to follow, pregnancy hormones, difficult family members, unhappy friends, the stress of the holidays (we got married in December), the joining of two families, and so much more. Our wedding was not about us it turns out, it was about pleasing everyone else – and in a lot of ways we failed.  There was beauty, to be sure, and look…we’re married!  But, in the end we had people we couldn’t invite because we just couldn’t afford one more guest. Friends that should have been there over my mother’s extensive list of colleagues and who-knows-who??? invitees, that I look back on with regret.  Oh well, that is a time past and we are still madly in love with each other, so that’s released. I hope those friends have forgiven us.

A few weeks ago a very old friend of mine, someone who was at my wedding, and at my baby shower, and who I just saw recently, was tagged by another friend of hers on Facebook.  It was a picture of a wedding shower. Her wedding shower.

Needless to say we are not invited.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit there are pangs in my heart.  I was devastated to learn of her coupling up with her awesome man, someone I totally think she’s meant for. I was heartbroken most of all not to just know it was happening – never mind the invite.

As I’ve worked through it, I am reminding myself almost daily (I know, pathetic) that there were friends I didn’t invite…

I’m also reminding myself that each guest at a wedding costs a “$” (dollar) amount, and it really adds up.  We are a family of four, so that adds up even more.

I’m remembering I’m her friend, and friends are patient and kind and forgiving and they understand.  I’m working to understand (but I’m still pretty bummed). I do wish I had at least known – I would/will send a gift. I love her.

I think the bigger issue here is that I got married very young and I have had kids before many of my peers (they’re all just beginning and I have a 12.5 year old…). Weddings are coming at a different time in their lives and I have just sort of missed that season with them. Missing this friend’s wedding is just part of that.  There are parts of me that feel I’ve missed out and I need to work on filling that hole – big time.

 

Today she Facebook messaged me.  It turns out she’ll be in Europe at the same time as us.  It turns out we’ll be in the same city.  It turns out to be her honeymoon and they’d like to meet up. It turns out to be a bit awkward for me. I’m working on how to do that with grace and recognize that going to Europe is something others did when they were younger too -on their honeymoons for instance. That I’m off season in that respect as well, so I’m going on a shoestring with my kids a decade after many of my peers. I didn’t have the opportunity or possibility of backpacking through a summer, or doing a semester abroad, like  my friends did when they were 23.That this is a friend I would travel with in a heartbeat.That this is not her fault, not the world’s fault and not my fault – it just is reality.

It turns out I’ve got some work to do.